Rough Draft Challenge Results, My Thoughts on THE ARTIST'S WAY, and Other Updates

 Since my last post was about the Rough Draft Challenge, I figured I'll post a little update on how that went for me. I also want to get into some thoughts about the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, since that's what my bestie and I have been reading and (for me kinda sorta) following along with as part of our writing meetings. And of course I want to update about my writing progress.

Let's just get that last part out of the way first. Since the last time I posted, I think I've written one other scene in LightShadows. I've had random scenes run thru my head here and there, but I haven't written those down. Just been letting them play for now.

As for the Rough Draft Challenge, that was a lot of fun. I put no pressure on myself whatsoever to "win" it or anything. I just participated. Along the way, I lost track of tracking as I usually do, but I didn't let that bother me. In the end, I called it a win bc I accomplished my overall goal of just reconnecting with my writing and having fun with it. That's all that mattered to me.

Now for the thing that's been bugging me today and kind of all along--the fact that I am behind on my "assignments" regarding The Artist's Way. See, what we're supposed to be doing between writing meetings are these weekly tasks at the end of every chapter of the book. We had agreed to try to be done with Week 4 by our next meeting, which is this Thursday. I, of course, am nowhere near done. I've only done the first two of Week 1, which were Morning Pages and the artist date. That's it.

The problem I'm having is that I'm fighting with how my brain interprets these things. They're supposed to be something fun to do. However, my brain sees these lists of tasks and assumes they're chores that have to be done. It sees a to-do list, not a list of fun things to write. Which is not helping me.

So I had an idea when I was doing my morning/afternoon pages (more on that later). What if I put them on individual slips of paper, index cards, or sticky notes, threw them into a container or on a board, and chose each one at random to do? That could be a way to make them fun and seem less like an obligation.

However, there are several problems with this approach:

1. There are so many at this point bc I haven't done any of them except the very first two.

2. Some of them sound like they'll be fun to get into, but the rest of them are kind of meh. Like writing out a list of "blurts" (negative thoughts) and trying to turn each one into a positive affirmation or something like that. I mean...sure, I could do that, but that doesn't sound FUN to me. It sounds too much like work.

3. I've forgotten about even doing this stuff at all or reading the book bc life has gotten in the way as it always does.

4. My own brain and body are getting in the way as well--when I've actually had the time to do these things, or even just write, I haven't felt like doing it. I've been too tired to think most days. I get wrapped up in YouTube. I've been needing to clean my bedroom or kitchen (thankfully my son and his girlfriend have been taking care of the rest of the apartment, including laundry and sometimes the kitchen as well, so that's been a relief). Worrying about money, feeling depressed as I always do around the holidays...it all adds up to hit or miss when it comes to my writing.

So, while the AW stuff may be beneficial to me, I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it for me to continue trying to keep up with it bc it's just not working with my brain. And the last thing I want is to force myself to write anything, bc we all know how that goes. 

Whenever I feel any kind of pressure towards my writing, I don't want to do it anymore. Writing that out makes me sound lazy, but it's not laziness. It's how my brain is wired. I spent so many years feeling ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I'm doing my best to break away from that shame. Which is why I've been ridiculously lenient with myself. Other people might think I'm not being hard enough on myself, but the thing is, over the years I was always too hard on myself, which is how we got to this point.

And the thing is, for so many years, my writing has been tied to the concept of "productivity." But I'm no longer writing with the end goal of being "productive." I just want to do it for me.

However, there's still this part of my brain that's hanging onto the "productivity" angle of it. And that's the frustrating part. How do I get that part of my brain to let go of that shit and focus on the fun of it all?

Maybe I'll still try breaking the weekly tasks down onto individual slips or sticky notes. That could work. But then again it might not.

The two things from AW that have benefited me the most have been Morning Pages and artist dates. Especially Morning Pages bc that has gotten me to write consistently every single day, even if it's just one or two words. But that was a battle in itself some days, too. Mostly bc in order to do them, I had to literally take my notebook into the bathroom with me and do them while sitting on the toilet. And this was when I first woke up in the morning. And mornings are HELL. They suck for me no matter what. So I had a lot of days that were just "nope, brain ain't having it right now." I would at least try to write something other than that, but if it felt forced, it didn't happen.

Now that I'm off work until January, my sleep schedule is nonexistent. I go to bed and wake up whenever the hell I want to. This has meant that sometimes my Morning Pages have become Afternoon Pages, especially the last couple of days. But that's also meant that the last couple of days, I've done other stuff before even getting around to my pages. Yesterday my sister surprised me by taking me out to lunch and shopping, and today I jumped straight into my side hustle as soon as I got out of bed and did my bathroom business. I hopped on the video call before I even made my coffee. Didn't do my pages until after the call ended.

Tbh, this blog post is a continuation of those pages. I stopped after jotting down that idea about breaking up the tasks, but then I sat here and thought some more, and here I am.

I guess what this all boils down to is I'm taking a hard look at what's working for me and what isn't and how I want to move forward with continuing to write BECAUSE I WANT TO. I'm trying to get away from this feeling of having to do any of what I'm doing. This is supposed to be FUN, dammit!!! But as much as I want The Artist's Way stuff to be fun, it's just not for me.

I will be discussing this stuff with Jaime at the meeting, and we'll move forward from there. I'll keep ya posted. For now, I can take no more. My brain is done as far as this blog post is concerned. I'll continue thinking and figuring out what I want to do, but at this point I need a break, so I'm taking it now.