Paracosms vs. "Maladaptive Daydreaming"

Before I get into this, wow! I just saw that my last post has a comment on it! I'm so sorry I didn't see it till now, but thank you to that person!

As you can tell by how long it's been since my last post, I have still been struggling a lot to get back into my writing. Progress has been extremely slow, but I think the ice has finally started breaking for me these past few weeks.

On Friday, I watched a video that taught me a new word: paracosm. It's a fictional world you create for yourself that over time becomes your way of coping with reality. You filter your daily stresses and experiences through the lens of that paracosm to help you process things and deal with the harshness of life. 

The video was about Audra Winter, a 22-year-old autistic writer who caused a huge uproar in the writing community when she self-published the first book in a series she's been "writing" since age 12. She'd been marketing herself like crazy for the past few years, hyping up this series on BookTok, generating an overwhelming number of preorders by offering a special edition with tons of commissioned artwork and fancy covers with sprayed edges, stuff that's all the rage nowadays. People ate it up. But then when the book actually came out, those people were massively let down because it was immediately evident that the book had not been professionally edited as she'd claimed. The writing was clearly that of 12-year-old Audra.

Other videos have been covering the drama surrounding Audra and everything she's done, but the one I watched Friday was the most insightful because it was done by another autistic woman, Joely Black. She offered real explanations for Audra's behavior that went way beyond what everyone else has focused on (the lies Audra told, the manipulative behavior, and the fact that she refuses to see what she actually did wrong and what she needs to do to make things right with her readers). Joely gave a clear breakdown of what's actually going on in Audra's head from an authentic autistic perspective. It was the best analysis of the situation I've seen out of all of them. I highly recommend watching the video to get the full story.

As I've been following the Audra situation, I've been empathizing with her for one huge reason: her stories are her life. They're embedded in her DNA, just like Midnight Daze is in mine. Her fantasy world has been her vehicle for navigating through all the rough times in her life. It's been her coping mechanism, how she's survived all the turmoil she's endured. Reality is hell, and her writing has always been her escape from that hell.

That's what my writing has been for me, too. Like Audra, I started my series when I was 12. It's of course evolved heavily over the years, but it's always been my coping mechanism for life as well. I've obsessed over it. I haven't been able to focus on any other writing project for more than a day or two at most. My brain refuses to let it go. I know exactly how Audra feels about her fictional world because it's how I feel about mine.

And now, thanks to Joely, I have an actual word to describe what my brain has been doing naturally all these years. The world of Midnight Daze is my paracosm.

Here's what that means: I haven't just been writing this series. I have dreamed extensively about my characters day and night. Scenes, even whole stories, have played out over and over in my head constantly over the years. I have mentally roleplayed as my main character, Randi, essentially from the moment I created her. That means that yes, Bobby (her love interest) was (is) my fictional boyfriend/husband. And I have an entire fictional family. In that world, I'm a young, telepathic, telekinetic badass who plays keyboard and sings in a rock band. I have a badass twin sister with the same powers. My man can literally save my life (or anyone's) with the touch of his hand--his power is healing. Cool as fuck, am I right? That, my friends, is a paracosm.

And the good news is, I'm not the only one whose brain does this fascinating thing. Other writers and creative people do this with their own fictional worlds. Now, not all of them actually endeavor to share those fictional worlds with the public in general. Some--probably most--keep their paracosms all to themselves.

Which, as I've slowly been in the process of learning, is 100% absolutely OKAY.

The flip side of this is another term I learned recently: "maladaptive daydreaming." The so-called mental health "professionals" who coined this term claim it's "wrong" to live so deeply entrenched in such a fantasy world. It's supposedly "unhealthy" to have a double life playing out in your mind as you navigate through life's ups and downs. Sure, it's good to have an imagination, but if you're not using your creativity in a "productive" and "healthy" way (writing, art, music, etc.), that's "maladaptive." According to society, we should face all our problems head-on like an adult. Any other way means we're "escaping" from reality and not really dealing with our issues.

From the first time I heard that term, I immediately disliked it. What the hell is wrong with having an imagination and letting it play within parts of your real life? So, you're telling me it's "maladaptive" if I'm, say, in the hospital for whatever reason, and I decide the cute doctor attending to me is one of my characters, who has healing powers that he of course keeps hidden? No, I'm not going to actually tell the real-life doctor what's going on in my head. But what's the fucking harm in dreaming up scenes while I'm laying in that hospital bed? Isn't that better than letting my anxiety take over and convincing me I'm gonna die? Or at the very least lose paychecks, my job, my apartment...no thanks, I'll take my cute doctor and cool story scenes.

Now, I do see how excessive daydreaming can be harmful. When it actually interferes with your life, that's different. That did happen to me at one point in my life. But it was at an already low point, and while it did do a lot of damage, it also helped me get through that time. It was kind of a double-edged sword. Let's just say when your best friend is invested in your story world along with you, and the whole thing starts interfering with HER life, that's when it's time to step back and actually face reality, sucky as it is.

Still, I hate the term "maladaptive daydreaming" bc it makes it sound like all forms of creativity are bad. At least to me. I prefer the word paracosm bc it doesn't have that negative connotation. It's a nice, compact word that simply means an alternate world. And it's okay to use that world to help you deal with things as long as you're not hurting anyone by doing so. The key is using it to help, not completely avoid reality altogether. That's the difference.

Back to Audra, and this is another reason why this situation hits so close to home for me: the fact that she wanted so badly to put her paracosm out there and share it with the world. However, she didn't have the necessary skills to translate her paracosm into something everyone else could understand. And instead of taking the time to hone her writing craft, she bought into the social media image of what a young "entrepreneur" was supposed to be and do. She hyperfixated on the wrong part of the publishing industry, the part where you focus on marketing and pushing out a product rather than developing the story in your head into something others can read and enjoy.

Why didn't she learn to edit, and why didn't she trust professional editors to do their jobs? It's a combination of her autism and the way her paracosm has formed and solidified in her mind. The best way I know to explain it is that phrase "set in your ways." It's usually used to describe elderly people who are resistant to change. Autistic people are also famously resistant to change. Attempting to change something in an autistic person's life, whether that's their schedule or a familiar food or sensory comfort, can result in a meltdown or shutdown. In Audra's case, that's most likely what happened when editors tried to suggest changes to her writing. She took their suggestions as a personal attack, partly bc of how deeply rooted her paracosm is in her mind structurally, and partly due to rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD). **That's a topic for another post!**

Something I've heard a lot of people say is that you should never publish any work that's too close to your heart. If it's something that you've been working on since you were a child or teenager, if you're so emotionally attached to it that ANY criticism, no matter how constructive, is like a dagger to your soul, then it's best to keep that particular story world to yourself. If you want to be a published author, write other stories and publish those. But if you absolutely must publish that book or series that's your life's work, you have to at least be willing to allow it to change, possibly into something completely different from your original vision. Otherwise, it's not going to translate.

I didn't have a problem with that last part, which is why I worked for so long to try and make MD publishable. However, I now realize that deep down, it was never meant to be published bc it is too close to my heart. It is my paracosm. It's truly only meant for me and Jaime, and I only include Jaime bc she put so much into it that she can claim part ownership. So, sorry folks, but she's going to be the only other person who ever sees a draft of any MD story.

I've made peace with that, and with the fact that other people may not like that decision. "But what about all those years you put into it? That time will have been wasted if you don't publish it!" Not to me, and not to Jaime. The only time I wasted was the time I spent stressing about making MD "publishable." I'm no longer letting sunk cost fallacy dictate how I feel about my writing. That's what it boils down to for me.

It took me literally almost 30 years to come to this point. I'm now making peace with the fact that those dreams of being a published author are, in fact, only dreams, but that's okay. Will I ever publish any writing besides this blog? Probably not. The publishing world as it is now is just too overwhelming for me. Not to mention, the idea of monetizing the thing that used to bring me so much joy has literally made me sick, to the point where I'm still struggling to regain that joy on more than a fleeting basis.

Audra's tragic situation taught me several things. One, it's okay that I never "made it" as a published author and likely never will. Two, it's okay to keep MD to myself and only share it with my best friend. Three, I'm glad TikTok wasn't a thing when I was Audra's age. Four, if I ever decide that I do want to try publishing again, I know what not to do (not that I would've ever tried Audra's strategy anyway). And five...MD is not "maladaptive daydreaming." It's a paracosm, which is a perfectly acceptable way of dealing with life. Especially since I've learned how to not let it interfere with my reality.

Whoo! This is a LONG one! Well, sorry (not sorry), but this is how I roll. If you're new here and you made it this far, thank you. Just fair warning, a lot of my blog posts are and are going to be like this. I can't do schedules or consistency. I've tried, and my AuDHD brain won't have it. So there. To be completely honest, I don't expect anyone other than my best friend and possibly that other person who popped up (maybe) to even read this at all. And I'm not even sure my bestie will at this point! (But hey, Jaime, if you do, you're awesome, JSYK. 😉💙)

Having said all that, I am going to make an effort to blog more, but that's simply because I want to write more, and blogging is a part of that. Wish me luck! Bye for now!